| i was reading some of my old posts... and wow how dumb was i?
hhhahaa
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| sometimes i hate being here like this.
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| Two Hearts, One Soul, One Love.
Separated for a moment in time.
Her angelic actions,
Her sweet voice and personality of no other,
my everything, my queen --
looking at me with Her beautiful eyes -
Anticipating, waiting -
Only for a moment in time.
Heartfelt emotions and words expressed.
Tears shed. Tears of misery, tears of lament.
Feelings of uncertainty, feelings of anxiousness.
Hoping for the best, wishing for the best.
A future unknown, a future of precariousness.
More tears, more sadness, more grief -
Only for a moment in time.
A walk of recollecting thoughts,
a walk of anguish,
a walk of seclusion from the world around us.
Silence. Alone. Together.
Thoughts racing and questions developing.
Questions answered and thoughts exchanged.
Sincere words of an ongoing friendship. Forever.
One last kiss - memories rushing back -
Memories of happiness and joy,
memories held dear to my heart.
Weakness, sadness, regret.
One last hug - a hug of unwillingness to let go -
A hug of warmth. A hug of comfort.
One last goodbye. No, not for forever -
just for a moment in time.
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| I don't know why but I distance myself from others.
I don't let them get to know me for who I really am.
Even those who consider themselves close with me
have no idea who I really am. I wish I had more courage.
I'm sorry.
I wish things were different.
I fear rejection.
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| To be honest, I don't know what's going on anymore.
There's so much shit going on. I struggle with everything
nowadays. School, personal relationships, and even
pathetic things just like cleaning my room. Oh, how
I hate having to clean my room. I know it's not a
difficult task but the clutter all adds up when I don't take
the time to put things away correctly. What's going on? -
- not just with people around me but with myself as well.
It's just, I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't feel the same anymore about anything.
Everything just seems so inconsequential.
Lately, I've felt that things that have brought me joy
no longer do at all. I don't feel content with myself.
It's like everything is going wrong and it's all my fault.
It's always my fault. In those situations it's always
my fault. I have total control but I don't know what
to say or what to do. I feel so helpless. It's just the
way that I am. I see no way that I can change it. There's
no way that it will be fixed in the near future.
I dislike what has happened to me. I dislike what I've become.
There's no one that understands me. I always feel like breaking
down. But there's never any time to. I need someone to help me -
there's no one. I'm so sorry for everything that I've ever done to you.
I'm sorry for everything that I haven't done with you.
I'm sorry for the way that I make you feel. I'm sorry for not being there
for you. I"m sorry for being there when I'm not wanted. The sad thing
is this: sorry is just a word. Saying sorry won't fix anything without action.
But to be honest, there's not much I can do. It's just the way that I am.
I can't fix it. I wish I could, but I can't. I'm sorry.
I hate everything about me. There's no reason why you shouldn't either.
You should hate me to. You should dislike me for all that I stand for.
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